This video resonated with me so much.

I never get to sit down and enjoy my life.

I wouldn’t say I “never get to,” but I’m so caught up in the planning, doing, and managing that I’m rarely fully present. And that feels awful — like I’m squandering this time while also failing to be a good enough parent, partner, daughter, sister, friend.

I feel like I’m making conscious choices with my time and energy, and there’s still not enough to go around.

I’ve felt this way for more than five years now. I kept thinking it would ease up: after I stopped caretaking for my mom, after the pandemic, after Cam got older, after I loosened my grip on certain family responsibilities, after I outsourced as much as possible.

I’ve prioritized sleep and exercise. I’ve continued to make time for therapy. I’ve lowered my standards for what I cook, how thoroughly I clean, how and when I show up for people. I try to care less, worry less, think less. (That part is especially slow going.)

It has gotten a little better, but not meaningfully, and I’m not sure what other levers I have left to pull. I genuinely don’t understand how other people are managing everything.

And I know how incredibly fortunate I am. I don’t forget that for a second. 

I think about everything my parents survived and sacrificed. About what my brother and I lost in our childhoods. Sometimes it feels impossible to reconcile that history with the fact that I still feel so… depleted? by a life that is, by any reasonable measure, a fantastic one.

This is not to say that I’m not happy. I am! But it’s really hard to feel like you’re constantly falling short.